Feel Glad to Go
by class A daydreamer
Summary: What does it mean? You know, life?


**Feel Glad to Go**

**Summary: What does it mean? Y'know, life?**

**Disclaimer: Glee's not mine, but I certainly am Glee's. Especially Darren Criss' *hubba hubba* **

**Kurt-centric oneshot, with a dash of Klaine and a sprinkle of Finchel.**

* * *

What does it mean? Y'know, life. Ever since Karofsky attempted suicide, I've been thinking. At first I thought it was all _Carpe Diem_ and shit, but it isn't, at least not now. It used to be fame, and fortune, and looking good in that _amazing _tux I bought for Prom, but it isn't really. Is it? I used to think it was Blaine, and I definitely thought it was NYADA.

It isn't, at least it isn't now. What is it now then? Is it love, is it my future, 'cause I _know_ that's figured out, right? NYADA, Blaine, Party Planning Business, child (surrogate mother will be Rachel of course) and more Blaine. I don't know whether it is anymore. It just seems too perfect now, having every move planned, every step, every breath.

What does life mean? 'Cause I sure as hell don't know anymore. Damn Karofsky and this stupid suicide. There's nothing wrong with being gay, I should know. Damn him... OK, maybe I don't want to damn him, but hell I'm confused. So confused I'm asking these stupid ass questions and acting as though I'm Theresa Caputo the way I'm going on about all this spiritual meaning of life stuff.

I'm confused. I really don't know what to think. I hate this. I hate it when I get so upset, not even watching a bedazzled jean jacket burn helps. It sucks, you know. You think everything's fine and dandy and then BAM! Someone commits suicide because he's like you. Doesn't that make you question something? Everything? So yeah, I feel stupid, and shitty, and all things in between.

I don't want to be one of those philosophic people who question life and everything. I'm not. I never will be. Right? Sometimes, when I'm full of ennui, I think at least I'm not Zeno of Citium. "Kurt." Finn once asked me. "Whats it like. You know. Being. Gay." I laughed and shook it off, but in a way, it felt like something broke, like he was _repulsed._

Like I was different. Like I wasn't normal. I think Rachel knocked some sense into him, or at least a hint of decorum. He never did bring it up again. Maybe she showed him how insensitive he was. Or maybe she just promised him _unmentionable_ things. He's whipped, a total lost puppy when she uses _sex_ against him. Rachel, anyway, would not tolerate anything like that.

It's because of her Dads. But what if her parents' weren't gay? What if it was Hiram and Shelby, or Leroy and Shelby? Where the hell would be be then? I think I'm going to make a mental list on all the reasons I love life. Not that I'm thinking of suicide, no. Just when my ennui can't be fixed bye making fun of philosophers. Just when I feel confused, like I am now.

Finn: He may be a jerkwad at times, but I actually liked him, horrible fashion sense and all. And I actually had provocative dreams of him (Most happened after the Push It performance.) Sure he was never the least bit kind when it came to my crush, but the way he stood up for me ever since then. He's amazing.

Rachel Barbra Berry: She'd be happy to know that I've included her full name. She's like that, you know. Now Rachel has been a thorn in my side since forever. Being the star of New Directions, then challenging me for the solo at Sectionals. Defying Gravity always seemed to be my song, and mine alone. But then we just sort of, bonded, for lack of a better word back in junior year. She made me feel much better then I felt in a while, and yes, our friendship grew so strong, I consider her my biggest confidant.

Mercedes: We were the best of friends. She's so funny, and kind, and fiercely protective. She was my only friend for so long, and even though she "busted my windows" (that car was not cheap!) She stuck by me. She accepted me as gay, and loves me. She's one of my favourite girls, she always will be. She is one of my most kindred of spirits.

Dad: Dad's relationship and mine's been... rocky. He never anticipated having a gay son, I guess if I was him, I wouldn't either. We've always been so different, and it's been so hard to bond with him. But then, one I cam out, he accepted me. No, he did more then that. He opened himself up more, and our rocky relationship turned so amazing, I wished I had identified it earlier.

Carole: she could never replace my Mom. No one can. She comes close though. She's kind, and caring, and your typical Mom. Really, she isn't one of my reasons, but I kind of feel, obliged to say she is.

The Glee Club: I want to generalize this because my pen's running out of ink, and I daresay that if any of them come across this, if they aren't listed there, I'm a dead man. Mr. Schue opened my eyes to the world of Glee in less then a year, more so then Mr. Ryerson had me feeling throughout his two years of directing. Artie showed me to be a fighter. I never really knew him, his voice being all I needed to know at the time. Tina, she helped express myself back in our first year of Glee. Together, we plunged into the world of Gaga, and attempted to be fashion forward. To everyone else, for just, you know, being there.

Okay, maybe I am not ashamed of being gay. Maybe this is the whole reason why I dug up a journal I used throughout the whole of fifth grade, then abandoned since then. Maybe that's hwy my favourite pen is running out of ink, and I'm currently writing everything twice. Yeah. I guess I'm... Afraid. Afraid, that's it. Afraid that because of David Karofsky everyone's going to be looking at me like any moment I'm going to jump out of a window.

Yeah, OK. My pen's just about run out of

* * *

**A/N: Hi friends! I'm pumping out a new chappie of I Swear, but this has been here in my Doc Manager for a while, and I had to get it out. And yess, the sentence was cut of midway because he ran out of ink.**

**Keep on being unicorn, **

**-Ari xoxo**


End file.
